extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
You Might Also Like
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.