Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.