Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
an airline just for babies.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?