[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
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The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”