The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg