Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
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Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*