Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
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When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
HOW DARE YOU
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
He just like my cat fr
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”