The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.