SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
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It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Cat.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Donkey Kong sommelier
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket