“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
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“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Woke up against my better judgement again
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?