If poetry is dead, then explain this:
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Me in tagged photos
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
ME (calling my horse with no name):