My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
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Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Did…did a minotaur write this
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.