Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
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Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Software Development ⛵️
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
real
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I’m giving up ice.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”