Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
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The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”