Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
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Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Every. Damn. Time.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy