Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
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frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Who says great literature is dead?
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you