How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
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GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down