Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
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oppen heimer style lol
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.