No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
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Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Saturday