My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
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If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause