Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
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Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I need to update my racial profile.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.