My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
You Might Also Like
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Your honor these allegations are
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?