6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
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If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?