Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
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Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.