They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
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My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
WWE is French for “yes”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant