Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
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My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
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I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.