Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
You Might Also Like
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Sticker placement is key.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
choose your fighter
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.