Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
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I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
uh oh
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.