Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
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What if all the cashiers are married?
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Hot hot hot 🥵
*pronounces surface like Versace*
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)