The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Put this video in the Louvre
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.