Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
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Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.