When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*