The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
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If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Happy thanksgiving!
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too