[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
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Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Great game to play with friends
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day