[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
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Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.