I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
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Bruh PLEASE
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef