Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
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I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Kids: Stay in school.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!