My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
You Might Also Like
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet