Doggies just call it style.
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My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?