Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
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I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is