“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 馃彙
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The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I now know why they鈥檙e called the wee hours of the night
I鈥檝e gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
me and who
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
馃
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
sergio leone: i鈥檓 going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what鈥檚 it called?
it’s the silliest best thing
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*