I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
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the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
i choose….tongue
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’