“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
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I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Meanwhile in Portland…
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?