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*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Most fashion shows these days…
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at