[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
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[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Noted.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water