hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
You Might Also Like
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I forgot how to panic. Help
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.