[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
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Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.