I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.