I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
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Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I get distracted pretty eas
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.