Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
A double negative is a big no-no.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.